While I am thinking of embarrassing moments and since the holidays are quickly approaching.....I have to share one more thing. Now mom, I know you are going to die that I am even writing stuff like this for everyone to read, but that is what this blog is all about......purging! So now that I am finished with the disclaimer.....the holidays were approaching and my husband and I had a brief conversation about gifts. I told him it might be nice to get something special like lingerie. Now this is where men and women clearly need to communicate a little better. I was picturing something black, silky, classy. He was not. Christmas Eve came around and my husband handed me a gift-wrapped box. I knew what it would be, so I tried to act surprised and carefully opened the box. I soon realized I didn't need to act.....I was mortified. Inside the box lay a Mrs. Claus teddy, complete with white fur around the bustline! This might be the ideal thing for a cute and petite wife, but on a double-wide wifey all it would look like was someone's been eatin' all of Santas cookies!!!! I cried and cried and of course never wore it. My husband even tried to take it back, which was really embarrassing I am sure..... A few years past and with time, humor always replaces sadness. We were sitting around thinking about that Christmas and I even thought about putting it on as a joke. I could see something strange in my husband's eyes as we reminisced....and then he blurted it out. "I forgot to get the lingerie box out of the attic before we moved!!!!!" We both just died laughing as we envisioned the poor couple that would have to find the double XL Mrs. Claus suit.....at least I never wore it!!!!!

They announced that the women are going to be practicing a song to sing in church. My mind instantly went back in time...14 years ago. I had just given birth to my second son. The pregnancy had added to my already fat body, and pushed me into a new category of morbidly obese. A few weeks of "rest" and I was expected to return to the normal things in life. Housework, school and church. The Sunday I returned to church, there was an all women's choir singing in sacrament meeting. Since I had just had a baby, I was too emotional to go up with the group and sing. Afterwards, several people asked why I didn't sing with the group and if I was okay. Blah Blah Blah..... It wasn't like I was depressed or anything, I just didn't want to go up! The next week, the Bishop announced that after the first speaker, the sisters will sing. What the heck? Two weeks in a row? I knew I had to go up this time so people wouldn't wonder what was wrong with me. I didn't even know what song they were doing, but I decided I would go up anyways. As soon as the first speaker said Amen, I got up and headed towards the pulpit. I finally reached the front of the chapel and to my dismay a quartet of women had gathered. It wasn't the whole women's choir. It was a well rehearsed, well organized group of four that surely wondered where this crazy fifth member had come from. Of course being Christ like as they were, the one lady took my hand and let me sing with them. I could barely utter out the words, and my husband said I was white as a ghost. To top it off....the song was "O My Father" the longest, slowest hymn in the book!!!!! By the way, even if I had been skinny.....it still would have been one of the worst days of my life.

I went to the store the other day and realized that "fat" teenagers have their own section of clothing now!!!! No fair....i had to shop women's section when I was a teenager. Polyester delight, corduroy or jean material with varying elastic band waistlines were among my choices. Fat really meant fat.....not PHAT (pretty hot and tempting). Everyone wanted the skinny chicks, now we see movies like Madagascar where Moto Moto likes 'em huge and chunky! Approaching my 40's midlife crisis.....I think I will go get me a "Phat" t-shirt, belly button ring, and low ride jeans......all offered in my size!!!!

My prayers have been answered. I can lose weight without dieting, exercise, surgery or pills. Check out this new product....and just in time for SPRING dresses! Some of the testimonials are more amazing! By the way....i added my personal thoughts in ( )

Posted on Mar 20, 2009, 6:39 pm by Paola

this product is great.i wanted to wear a dress for my birthday.when i tried it on my body was all out of shape, but when i put the slim n lift on, i couldn't believe it, i looked hot.
(I bet you looked real hot...hot, sweaty and red faced cuz you can't breathe now)

Posted on Mar 19, 2009, 9:10 pm by Patty

My husband says that it was the best investment he has ever made. I love it!!! I want the whole world to know that I love it. I would recommend this product to any hefty woman out there that is looking to slim down and look sexy again. (HEFTY!!! I feel sorry for your husband when reality hits and you take that puppy off.....he better stand clear, it might have a sling shot effect)


Posted on Feb 18, 2009, 7:57 pm

omg!!!!!!I love it...at first i struggled putting it on but then i got the hang of it. But omg i lost 11 pounds and when I wear it I dont feel hungry as I used to. ( i bet you struggled to put it on...i have a hard time with just pantihose...and by the way is that 11 pounds for real??? or 11 pounds for looks???)


Posted on Feb 11, 2009, 8:31 pm by Maria

i just got my slim n lift two days ago and i love it the only problem is that i am a petite person and my torso isn't that long enough so the top band rolls a little but i still love it. (the top band rolling is the least of your worries....what happens to all the skin and fat that got lifted....are you a triple DDD now or what?)

Posted on Jan 5, 2009, 7:37 pm by Michelle

it works great i really love this product.. i knew just by watching the infomercial that it was going to work... I cant wait to order one for a loved one! (can't wait to see the reaction when you give it to a loved one.....that's like the year my husband gave me sugar free chocolate for valentine's day.)

My sisters and I all agree we would chop our right hand off if we were guaranteed skinniness for the rest of our lives. The other night I was listening to John Tesh(inspirational radio host). He was talking about weight loss and interesting facts. He said a survey was done where they asked women if they would chop off one pinky finger to not have to ever worry about weight issues again. He then went to a commercial before reviewing the results with the listening audience. I thought to myself...what a stupid survey. Of course the answer is 100% would rather be skinny than worry about a little pinky finger. My sisters and I would chop of our right hand! Sign me up for the pinky chopping and give me the golden ticket to permanent skinniness. The commercials ended and he came back with an astounding 48%! What!!!! who wouldn't mind being pinkiless for skinniness. Are you for real? When is the last time someone noticed your pinky first and not your ginormous thighs ricocheting back and forth? Next time I really want those size 8 pants hanging on the rack....I will carress my pinky and show a little more gratitude....I guess it is more valuable than I think????? Thanks John Tesh, you always help me re-evaluate my priorities.

When I was in 6th grade, I was of course the "fat girl." Life became almost unbearable when my mom went back to work and I had to start riding the bus to school. The bus for a fat girl is more like a torture chamber of emotional hurt, not physical. I can still remember TK.....he was the rich, popular kid that everyone thought was hilarious. It was his personal endeavour to make my life hell. Every day I would quietly take his harrassments, usually just pretending I didn't hear him, and hoping the redness of my face wasn't apparent to everyone on the bus. One day in particular was the worst. It must have been an important day because I had on my light brown corduroy jacket and plaid skirt. Unfortunately, the skirt had hundreds of pleats in it only making me look bigger. I had my backpack in one hand and my violin in the other. TK was on the bus and said in a sincere way, " I'm sorry for being so mean." He held out a red rose. I thought for a second there must be a catch, but he wasn't laughing and no one else was....so I reached out and took it. As soon as I did, he snatched the rose away and pushed me with his other hand. I lost my balance and went backwards landing on several people sitting on the back seat of the bus. I was mortified, but life went on. I searched the web from time to time trying to find my TK. Hoping he had grown up to have a horrible life, but unfortunately I came across a picture of him standing beside his private airplane, looking just as great as ever. It didn't have any personal information about what he did for a living, but I am convinced I know!!!! He is the creator of the newest weight loss pill called "ALLI" Check out the side effects:
Gas with an oily anal discharge
Loose stools or diarrhea
More frequent bowel movements
Hard-to-control bowel movements
I can just see him now offering not a rose but a "magic pill" and just as the "fat girl" falls for it....once again the jokes on her. Some bullies never change.

i was so excited when i found out that fat people can be in triathlons! all you have to do is sign up as an "athena" athlete (over 160 lbs.) by the way 160 would be my dream bod.....anyways i decided that this would be a great motivator to lose weight. i told tons of people that i signed up for a sprint triathlon and then began the 6 month training period. everyday i invisioned the embarrassment i would feel in a bathing suit, trying to make it up hills on a bike, or huffing and puffing while running. i hoped that this looming event would make me eat less, exercise more. the day of the race came way to quickly, but i made a commitment to it and followed through. i decided to wear biking shorts for all three events...partly because i wanted to save time in transition by not having to change, but mainly i didn't want every one to see my thighs in all their glory. the swim in the lake went great and then i had to pull my sluggish body up a sandy hill. i got on my shoes and helmet and headed out on the 15 mile ride in the Napa Valley hills. About a mile into the race and my butt was already numb and i even had to hop off my bike a couple of times to walk up the steep inclines. the race was coming to an end and right in front of me at the finish line, a girl came to a quick stop and forgot to take her feet out of the pedals! Seeing this happen right before me, i began a quick prayer in my head.....please don't let me fall, please don't let me fall!!!! i sailed in with beauty and grace and then got my feet out of the pedals just in time. "WHEW" what a relief. I walked through the crowds of cheering people with pride. i only had the run left. i noticed out of the corner of my eye, my two sons smiling and my sisters scurrying over to me. oh they must be coming to offer words of encouragement! then the words came flowing out of my son's mouth......"mom, you have a hole in your butt!" okay, so that is nothing new.....until i realized what he really meant. my butt was so numb from the bike ride that i hadn't noticed that my biker shorts had ripped in the back! there i was in all my glory....a fat, half-naked, athena athlete! hey at least i didn't fall, right?

okay...it is sunday night and i am feeling a little panicked because i usually have a new diet or exercise plan picked out for MONDAY!!!! while searching the diet and exercise sites i came across a body image page. apple and pear shaped? that is not what i think of when i see those body images....does this make any SENSE.....do you really think eating apples and pears created those bodies.....why not label them maple bars, cinnamon rolls or apple fritters? i personally am an apple fritter, nice and bumpy in all the wrong places.

I am convinced that my genes are making me fat. I have always looked at my skinny sister-in- law with envy because she got the good genes. So I have been living in my pity world thinking I am fat and it isn't my fault.....my ancestors are to blame. Until I went to Taco Bell with my lucky gene sister-in-law. I waited for her to order first, so I could then decide what was appropriate. To my dismay, she ordered a chicken soft taco and an ice water! What happened to ordering 5 items because they are only 79 cents each!!!! I ordered one chicken soft taco too......the whole time panicking knowing I would still be hungry. We sat and ate and she took tiny bites and sips and then left 1/4 of the taco on the paper wrapper. What the h double toothpicks!!!! So I had to leave a small morsel on my paper wrapper too! Deep breaths, deep breaths, okay so maybe she is skinny for a reason. Dang it!!!!

Should I be offended that I was asked to be in charge of a weight loss support group? Did they have to pick the fattest lady to be the inspiration for the rest of the fat ladies? and honestly, did they think i could help solve a problem that I myself haven't figured out? well i did take the pitiful project on.....and note to self.....never be in charge of 40 fat women that can't eat white bread or chocolate!!!!!! The challenge lasted 8 weeks and the women that didn't need to lose weight actually lost the most... and me along with some other fatties felt so frustrated and depressed throughout the competition that we actually just gave up and gained weight. To top it off, I had to stand in front of the group to thank them for their participation and say "I didn't lose weight, but other areas of my life improved because of the challenge" Blah...blah....blah...yeah right!

Thighs...Glorious Thighs

Whenever I am walking in a really quiet room, I am mortified by the obvious thrashing sounds that my thighs make when they rub together. I have made several attempts to cover up the noise. Heaven forbid someone should notice that I am fat! So I have tried to stomp my feet especially loud to cover up the thigh-rub noise or "pretend" cough with each step that I take. I recently noticed that Walgreens carries Thigh Chaffing Powder. What a great idea! So to save a little money, I thought baby powder would work just as good. Unfortunately the smooth, silky walk only lasts so long....you soon realize you are scattering tiny little dough balls all over the place!

Secret Confessions

If you have ever eaten your child's Halloween candy while they were at school, taken the last bit of ice cream out of the freezer and blamed it on your one year old, eaten a full meal in the car on your way home and then a full meal with your family around the dinner table, made homemade rice krispies for your child's classroom (with great intentions...and then kept nibbling, resulting in cutting them into tiny pieces so you could still send 30!).....post your own humiliating confession and move on. By the way....candy bars melted and smashed in an old purse you forgot you had tastes pretty good if you freeze them first!

Love!

Anyone who knows me, knows that I hate physical affection in public. Maybe I am afraid that people are wondering how on earth anyone could be attracted to a "fat girl"...or maybe I am afraid that someone's hand on my back will draw more attention to the ridges and ripples along my bra line. Who knows? My most embarrassing moment is when my boyfriend, which is now my husband, wanted to surprise me with a song. Being sung to is embarrassing enough, but he also took the time to gather his family and me around the dinner table. He proceeded to sing me a love song and then when the song was over, reached in his pocket and pulled out a necklace. Anyone would be thrilled to recieve such an act of devotion and love, but not me. I already knew what was next. He wanted to lovingly put the necklace around my neck, just like in a movie, and declare his undying love. His family gathered to watch, he put the necklace around me. My heart dropped and my face became flush.....there was no hiding. The link and the clasp were no where near each other. It wouldn't even fit enough to be a choker.

Hairspray was inspiring....for a moment

I loved the movie hairspray, where the fat girl finally gets the cute guy and can dance all over the stage and look somewhat attractive....but honestly....the feeling of "I am okay with my weight" only lasted about an hour.

Online store only

My friend and I had a great idea that we would open a plus size store called "Cankles and Jowls". We invisioned the fashionable clothing we could design and the special line of necklaces and anklets that would come in super-size, instead of the usual necklaces that look like chokers and buying necklaces to put around our ankles. Eventually reality hit, and we realized what fat lady would actually be caught dead in a store called "Cankles and Jowls"? It is the same reason I refuse to eat at the local restaurant called "Chubby's"! Like I really want a neon sign pointing right at me while I eat. So someday....we will open an online store and orders will be sent discretely to fat women all over the world.