CANKLES AND JOWLS: September 2008

If you are fat and are offended by this blog or think I am being too hard on myself or other fat people, than stop reading this blogspot now!!!! Go back to your cozy spot on the couch and finish off the rest of the brownies you hid from your family earlier in the day. In case you have a thyroid condition that is still undiagnosed, food allergy causing you to look like a balloon, childhood trauma that is making you eat 20 years later, or genetic predisposition to obesity because your ancestors used to hunt and gather and you don't......SORRY in advance. This blog will offend you. So search a different site and maybe you will find the miracle answer there. In fact, I will give you a head start and let you know that the Detox Foot Patches don't work.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Thighs...Glorious Thighs

Whenever I am walking in a really quiet room, I am mortified by the obvious thrashing sounds that my thighs make when they rub together. I have made several attempts to cover up the noise. Heaven forbid someone should notice that I am fat! So I have tried to stomp my feet especially loud to cover up the thigh-rub noise or "pretend" cough with each step that I take. I recently noticed that Walgreens carries Thigh Chaffing Powder. What a great idea! So to save a little money, I thought baby powder would work just as good. Unfortunately the smooth, silky walk only lasts so long....you soon realize you are scattering tiny little dough balls all over the place!

Been There, Done That.....Miracle Cures That Don't Work.

Detox Foot Patches.....where do I begin? Basically the patches are gauze-like squares filled with beef bouillon powder. So not only do you wake up fat still, you walk around for the next 2 days smelling like you have just eaten an enormous amount of steak.
Thurmond's 6 week body makeover....it took me 5 weeks to organize the book and 1 week to read it!
Hollywood Juice Diet....anyone will lose 10 lbs. drinking only juice for 3 days (make sure you have wipies with aloe near the toilet if you go this route)
Hydroxycut.....works until your right eyeball twitches uncontrollably around the third day of use
Herbal pills would be your best bet, but since I can't swallow pills that smell like poop....i don't know if they work
Positive affirmation CD's are a great way to fall asleep saying to yourself over and over again "I am skinny, I am skinny" but eventually you have to wake up and look in the mirror!

CANKLES AND JOWLS

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Thighs...Glorious Thighs

Blog Archive

Been There, Done That.....Miracle Cures That Don't Work.

Fat Lady Facts