i was so excited when i found out that fat people can be in triathlons! all you have to do is sign up as an "athena" athlete (over 160 lbs.) by the way 160 would be my dream bod.....anyways i decided that this would be a great motivator to lose weight. i told tons of people that i signed up for a sprint triathlon and then began the 6 month training period. everyday i invisioned the embarrassment i would feel in a bathing suit, trying to make it up hills on a bike, or huffing and puffing while running. i hoped that this looming event would make me eat less, exercise more. the day of the race came way to quickly, but i made a commitment to it and followed through. i decided to wear biking shorts for all three events...partly because i wanted to save time in transition by not having to change, but mainly i didn't want every one to see my thighs in all their glory. the swim in the lake went great and then i had to pull my sluggish body up a sandy hill. i got on my shoes and helmet and headed out on the 15 mile ride in the Napa Valley hills. About a mile into the race and my butt was already numb and i even had to hop off my bike a couple of times to walk up the steep inclines. the race was coming to an end and right in front of me at the finish line, a girl came to a quick stop and forgot to take her feet out of the pedals! Seeing this happen right before me, i began a quick prayer in my head.....please don't let me fall, please don't let me fall!!!! i sailed in with beauty and grace and then got my feet out of the pedals just in time. "WHEW" what a relief. I walked through the crowds of cheering people with pride. i only had the run left. i noticed out of the corner of my eye, my two sons smiling and my sisters scurrying over to me. oh they must be coming to offer words of encouragement! then the words came flowing out of my son's mouth......"mom, you have a hole in your butt!" okay, so that is nothing new.....until i realized what he really meant. my butt was so numb from the bike ride that i hadn't noticed that my biker shorts had ripped in the back! there i was in all my glory....a fat, half-naked, athena athlete! hey at least i didn't fall, right?

okay...it is sunday night and i am feeling a little panicked because i usually have a new diet or exercise plan picked out for MONDAY!!!! while searching the diet and exercise sites i came across a body image page. apple and pear shaped? that is not what i think of when i see those body images....does this make any SENSE.....do you really think eating apples and pears created those bodies.....why not label them maple bars, cinnamon rolls or apple fritters? i personally am an apple fritter, nice and bumpy in all the wrong places.

I am convinced that my genes are making me fat. I have always looked at my skinny sister-in- law with envy because she got the good genes. So I have been living in my pity world thinking I am fat and it isn't my fault.....my ancestors are to blame. Until I went to Taco Bell with my lucky gene sister-in-law. I waited for her to order first, so I could then decide what was appropriate. To my dismay, she ordered a chicken soft taco and an ice water! What happened to ordering 5 items because they are only 79 cents each!!!! I ordered one chicken soft taco too......the whole time panicking knowing I would still be hungry. We sat and ate and she took tiny bites and sips and then left 1/4 of the taco on the paper wrapper. What the h double toothpicks!!!! So I had to leave a small morsel on my paper wrapper too! Deep breaths, deep breaths, okay so maybe she is skinny for a reason. Dang it!!!!

Should I be offended that I was asked to be in charge of a weight loss support group? Did they have to pick the fattest lady to be the inspiration for the rest of the fat ladies? and honestly, did they think i could help solve a problem that I myself haven't figured out? well i did take the pitiful project on.....and note to self.....never be in charge of 40 fat women that can't eat white bread or chocolate!!!!!! The challenge lasted 8 weeks and the women that didn't need to lose weight actually lost the most... and me along with some other fatties felt so frustrated and depressed throughout the competition that we actually just gave up and gained weight. To top it off, I had to stand in front of the group to thank them for their participation and say "I didn't lose weight, but other areas of my life improved because of the challenge" Blah...blah....blah...yeah right!

Thighs...Glorious Thighs

Whenever I am walking in a really quiet room, I am mortified by the obvious thrashing sounds that my thighs make when they rub together. I have made several attempts to cover up the noise. Heaven forbid someone should notice that I am fat! So I have tried to stomp my feet especially loud to cover up the thigh-rub noise or "pretend" cough with each step that I take. I recently noticed that Walgreens carries Thigh Chaffing Powder. What a great idea! So to save a little money, I thought baby powder would work just as good. Unfortunately the smooth, silky walk only lasts so long....you soon realize you are scattering tiny little dough balls all over the place!

Secret Confessions

If you have ever eaten your child's Halloween candy while they were at school, taken the last bit of ice cream out of the freezer and blamed it on your one year old, eaten a full meal in the car on your way home and then a full meal with your family around the dinner table, made homemade rice krispies for your child's classroom (with great intentions...and then kept nibbling, resulting in cutting them into tiny pieces so you could still send 30!).....post your own humiliating confession and move on. By the way....candy bars melted and smashed in an old purse you forgot you had tastes pretty good if you freeze them first!

Love!

Anyone who knows me, knows that I hate physical affection in public. Maybe I am afraid that people are wondering how on earth anyone could be attracted to a "fat girl"...or maybe I am afraid that someone's hand on my back will draw more attention to the ridges and ripples along my bra line. Who knows? My most embarrassing moment is when my boyfriend, which is now my husband, wanted to surprise me with a song. Being sung to is embarrassing enough, but he also took the time to gather his family and me around the dinner table. He proceeded to sing me a love song and then when the song was over, reached in his pocket and pulled out a necklace. Anyone would be thrilled to recieve such an act of devotion and love, but not me. I already knew what was next. He wanted to lovingly put the necklace around my neck, just like in a movie, and declare his undying love. His family gathered to watch, he put the necklace around me. My heart dropped and my face became flush.....there was no hiding. The link and the clasp were no where near each other. It wouldn't even fit enough to be a choker.

Hairspray was inspiring....for a moment

I loved the movie hairspray, where the fat girl finally gets the cute guy and can dance all over the stage and look somewhat attractive....but honestly....the feeling of "I am okay with my weight" only lasted about an hour.

Online store only

My friend and I had a great idea that we would open a plus size store called "Cankles and Jowls". We invisioned the fashionable clothing we could design and the special line of necklaces and anklets that would come in super-size, instead of the usual necklaces that look like chokers and buying necklaces to put around our ankles. Eventually reality hit, and we realized what fat lady would actually be caught dead in a store called "Cankles and Jowls"? It is the same reason I refuse to eat at the local restaurant called "Chubby's"! Like I really want a neon sign pointing right at me while I eat. So someday....we will open an online store and orders will be sent discretely to fat women all over the world.